For a while there I thought things would always be the same. I thought I'd be without legal status forever, I would be sick forever and that my husband would reject or bypass any chance of being with me forever....Forever is a long time.

It hasn't been forever (though it sure feels like it) and I can see things starting to change.

I'm a few thousand dollars away from being a legal resident, if things go well at my next appointment my oncologist will release me from being a patient and now I'm the one doing all the rejecting around here.

I didn't go to Mexico. Apparently the last D&C got what was left of all the junk inside me. Now I'm just hoping it never comes back, which is a possibility. I'm not allowed to get pregnant for a year, which is fairly easy to do when you're not having sex.

I have A LOT to write about, but I can't right this second. I won't disappear again, I promise.

XOXO

From Mary via chat:


i was admitted to the hospital last friday sep 11 due to heavy bleeding and severe cramping

i had a 2nd d & c on saturday morning. my ob told me they found a small mass in my lungs on tuesday and they canceled my chemo for that day due to a mix up with paperwork.

im supposed to see my oncologist tomorrow and he'll decide if i start chemo tomorrow. i might need an mri because im getting new symptoms: headaches, ringing in my left ear. i have had so much blood drawn i am very weak and my arms and hands are all bruised. i will be cutting my hair and donating it to locks of love. i dont have internet so its hard to update.

please go and visit mary at her facebook site. here is the link. she is very sick and sliding down, in her words.

I have an appointment early tomorrow morning with an oncologist. I'm a bit anxious, but not really scared anymore. I just want to get it overwith.

I went to see my OB on Monday and he ordered more blood tests. I'm going to call today around 4:30 to ask for the results.

Something really gross happened to me on Sunday. <<<Consider that your warning. Read ahead at your own risk.

I went to an Angels game on Sunday with my SIL and the kids. As soon as I got out of the car I realized I was bleeding heavily and that I had to get to a bathroom soon before I bled through my tampon and pantyliner. When I got to the bathroom, my underwear were soaked in blood, soI took them off and threw them away and then I pulled out my tampon only to have this giant clot plop into the toilet, splattering me with bloody water. It was about the size of a medium sized orange, with a firm center and stringy edges. It looked just like the stuff in the picture of the junk they took out during my D & C.

Gross I know, but I'm hoping that was the answer to my prayers and that the rest of that junk is out of me for good. I went back to bleeding like a normal period after that. Oh! and I walked around commando for the rest of the game. :)

I dont have internet right now and my phone won't let me sign into xanga for some reason. I'm updating from my parents house. But if you add me on facebook, I can keep you updated about all the health issues and maybe a few other useless facts.

http://www.facebook.com/mzalenski

In other news, Julian has been sick all week with a fever and sores on his tongue. I'm exhausted from being up with him all night for 3 nights, but he seems to be better today.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Love.

M

 

 

On Tuesday morning I threw a bitch fit at Joe for something kinda' stupid. He'd asked me on Monday night if I wanted to go to the beach with the kids early the next day, because we really just needed to get out.

You see, Monday was the day I found out I may need chemotherapy and was reffered to an oncologist by my OBGYN, and plus we haven't really gone out in a while due to lack of funds. So he said we could pack a lunch and go fishing off the pier with the boys, which really made me look forward to Tuesday because I just need as many distractions as possible right now.

So Tuesday morning I got up early and cleaned the kitchen (I hate coming back to a dirty home) and got the boys bathed and ready to get out in beach clothes and stuff and then Joe says "why don't we just go to the park or somewhere local?"



But I wanted to go to the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said the beach and I wanna go to the beach!!!!! why?!! why do you always do this? (it's not the first time he does it).

"Babe we have no money, plus my back tire is almost balled and..."

Then why did you ask me if I wanted to go yesterday!???!?!?! *pouty face*

"C'mon! I'll take you guys to this little carnival they have right here on the corner of Valley and..."

Ok! whatever! I knew this would happen!!! You always do this!!!

So we get in the car, which is no easy task when you've got 2 toddlers and you live in the upstairs apartment. And we get on our way and we realize the carnival is packing up and leaving.

I told you they wouldn't be there anymore! why would a street carnival be open on a Tuesday?!!

"Well, let's go somewhere else, where do you want to go?"

(We get on the freeway.....)

I don't know! Wanna walk around the mall? I don't know Wanna go to the park? I DONT KNOW!!! So I'm on the freeway for nothing??... OMG! JUST TAKE ME HOME! I HATE YOU AND I HATE DOING THIS! JUST TAKE ME HOME! I WANNA GO HOME!!!!

(we go home and I walk around like a mad dog)

"We can still go somewhere Mary..."

Shut up and leave me alone, I want you to leave me alone! I just want to do laundry and I want you to stop talking to me and you can leave for all I care you ^&%%&#$%#&(*%$#@#$!!!

(he leaves to the store looking like a sad puppy dog...which gives me some time to reflect and realize what a friggin' jerk I was)

As soon as he walked in the door, I ran to him and gave him a big bear hug and dug my tear soaked face into his warm neck.

(sobbing) I'm sorry! I'm a mean bitch and I don't mean to be! I love you! please forgive me!

"Baby, you don't have to ask for forgiveness..." (hugs me back)

(sobbing harder) Yes, I do! I'm so terrible and I have a big mouth! please just forgive me!

And we just stood there and hugged until the 2 gallons of milk got too heavy for his arm.

...And they lived happily ever after?...Oh, wait, no, this is real life and I think I may need anger management...