Sunday, 27 September 2009

  • Update

    Hey everyone!

    I just want to let you guys know I am ok.

    I went to my first oncologist appointment a month ago and he didn't seem to concerned or even interested in my condition. He said the mass in my lung wasn't important...? well, that may be so but I know chest pains and trouble breathing are nothing to play around with. Not to mention the fact that he was rude and didn't let me ask a single question. So I asked my OB to refer me to someone else, which he did, but then I found out he's on probation for smuggling drugs from India....just my luck.

    My uncles in Mexico offered to take me to a gynecologic oncologist in Mex. but I had to give that some serious thought before accepting because my legal status is still in process and I didn't want to mess anything up. I did some research and found out I could process my visa from outside the US so everything is set. I will be leaving to Mex. next weekend.

    It's going to be a wild ride, but my health is at stake and I have to get the proper attention ASAP.

    I don't have internet right now (Im at my SILs) and I tried updating from my phone but it didn't work. I'll try to update every chance I get.

    Keep me in your prayers. I need them!

     

    XOXO

    Mary

Sunday, 20 September 2009

  • Update Concerning Mary

    From Mary via chat:


    i was admitted to the hospital last friday sep 11 due to heavy bleeding and severe cramping

    i had a 2nd d & c on saturday morning. my ob told me they found a small mass in my lungs on tuesday and they canceled my chemo for that day due to a mix up with paperwork.

    im supposed to see my oncologist tomorrow and he'll decide if i start chemo tomorrow. i might need an mri because im getting new symptoms: headaches, ringing in my left ear. i have had so much blood drawn i am very weak and my arms and hands are all bruised. i will be cutting my hair and donating it to locks of love. i dont have internet so its hard to update.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Friday, 11 September 2009

  • Quick Update

    I'm fine and will be starting chemo on Tuesday. But I may also need a second D & C and that will be determined Monday afternoon.

    I'm faithful and in good spirits so dont worry about me. Plus I have decided I will be documenting it all and putting it online.

    I tried to update my Xanga but my phone ate my entry and pissed me off so I haven't tried anymore.

Thursday, 03 September 2009

  • Hi :)

    I have an appointment early tomorrow morning with an oncologist. I'm a bit anxious, but not really scared anymore. I just want to get it overwith.

    I went to see my OB on Monday and he ordered more blood tests. I'm going to call today around 4:30 to ask for the results.

    Something really gross happened to me on Sunday. <<<Consider that your warning. Read ahead at your own risk.

    I went to an Angels game on Sunday with my SIL and the kids. As soon as I got out of the car I realized I was bleeding heavily and that I had to get to a bathroom soon before I bled through my tampon and pantyliner. When I got to the bathroom, my underwear were soaked in blood, soI took them off and threw them away and then I pulled out my tampon only to have this giant clot plop into the toilet, splattering me with bloody water. It was about the size of a medium sized orange, with a firm center and stringy edges. It looked just like the stuff in the picture of the junk they took out during my D & C.

    Gross I know, but I'm hoping that was the answer to my prayers and that the rest of that junk is out of me for good. I went back to bleeding like a normal period after that. Oh! and I walked around commando for the rest of the game. :)

    I dont have internet right now and my phone won't let me sign into xanga for some reason. I'm updating from my parents house. But if you add me on facebook, I can keep you updated about all the health issues and maybe a few other useless facts.

    http://www.facebook.com/mzalenski

    In other news, Julian has been sick all week with a fever and sores on his tongue. I'm exhausted from being up with him all night for 3 nights, but he seems to be better today.

    I hope everyone is doing well.

    Love.

    M

     

     

Friday, 28 August 2009

  • Public Apology To The Man Upstairs

    I'm sorry, Lord. I really am.

    I'm sorry for all the times I asked You to take me and end my life right then and there. That was stupid....Little did I know You were listening and would make me pay the consequences.

    I want to live. Please. Let me live.

    And I thought depression was the worst of my problems. Believe me, after this, I will find reasons NOT to be depressed. I won't wake up every morning wondering why I'm still even here.

    Life is a gift. A precious gift, and all the downs are there to make the ups look that much greater.

    I trust You.

    Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
    I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.


    Bless me with another chance, Lord. Grant me the strength to get through this. I want to live for my children. I want to see my mom smile again. I don't want my husband to lose yet another loved one to cancer.

    I WANT TO LIVE!!!



Thursday, 27 August 2009

  • Confessions Of A Bitch

    On Tuesday morning I threw a bitch fit at Joe for something kinda' stupid. He'd asked me on Monday night if I wanted to go to the beach with the kids early the next day, because we really just needed to get out.

    You see, Monday was the day I found out I may need chemotherapy and was reffered to an oncologist by my OBGYN, and plus we haven't really gone out in a while due to lack of funds. So he said we could pack a lunch and go fishing off the pier with the boys, which really made me look forward to Tuesday because I just need as many distractions as possible right now.

    So Tuesday morning I got up early and cleaned the kitchen (I hate coming back to a dirty home) and got the boys bathed and ready to get out in beach clothes and stuff and then Joe says "why don't we just go to the park or somewhere local?"



    But I wanted to go to the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said the beach and I wanna go to the beach!!!!! why?!! why do you always do this? (it's not the first time he does it).

    "Babe we have no money, plus my back tire is almost balled and..."

    Then why did you ask me if I wanted to go yesterday!???!?!?! *pouty face*

    "C'mon! I'll take you guys to this little carnival they have right here on the corner of Valley and..."

    Ok! whatever! I knew this would happen!!! You always do this!!!

    So we get in the car, which is no easy task when you've got 2 toddlers and you live in the upstairs apartment. And we get on our way and we realize the carnival is packing up and leaving.

    I told you they wouldn't be there anymore! why would a street carnival be open on a Tuesday?!!

    "Well, let's go somewhere else, where do you want to go?"

    (We get on the freeway.....)

    I don't know! Wanna walk around the mall? I don't know Wanna go to the park? I DONT KNOW!!! So I'm on the freeway for nothing??... OMG! JUST TAKE ME HOME! I HATE YOU AND I HATE DOING THIS! JUST TAKE ME HOME! I WANNA GO HOME!!!!

    (we go home and I walk around like a mad dog)

    "We can still go somewhere Mary..."

    Shut up and leave me alone, I want you to leave me alone! I just want to do laundry and I want you to stop talking to me and you can leave for all I care you ^&%%&#$%#&(*%$#@#$!!!

    (he leaves to the store looking like a sad puppy dog...which gives me some time to reflect and realize what a friggin' jerk I was)

    As soon as he walked in the door, I ran to him and gave him a big bear hug and dug my tear soaked face into his warm neck.

    (sobbing) I'm sorry! I'm a mean bitch and I don't mean to be! I love you! please forgive me!

    "Baby, you don't have to ask for forgiveness..." (hugs me back)

    (sobbing harder) Yes, I do! I'm so terrible and I have a big mouth! please just forgive me!

    And we just stood there and hugged until the 2 gallons of milk got too heavy for his arm.

    ...And they lived happily ever after?...Oh, wait, no, this is real life and I think I may need anger management...


Monday, 24 August 2009

  • From Bad To Worse

    So I've been officially referred to an oncologist. My first appointment is on the 4th of September. My HCG levels went up significantly this week and my OB wants me to see a specialist.

    *Sigh*

    I'm scared. I'd be lying if I said I'm not. I cried. I pouted. And I even questioned God. I got it out of my system and I think I'm ready to move forward with whatever comes my way. I hate dragging my family through this. Not knowing is the worst part.

    This last week really stunk. The antidepressants I'm taking didn't really seem to help much, except for the fact that they help me sleep. I don't think I want to take them anymore. They make my mouth dry.

    I can't help but wonder if I brought this on to myself. Did I make myself sick after all those times I cried myself to sleep hoping to not wake up? or maybe all the times I cried silently in the shower asking God to take me.... Not many people understand depression. Most people seem to think it's a choice and that you simply have to "snap out of it". I've suffered from it since I was a child. I can go back as far as 9 years old and remember all the times I wished to just die.

    I love my children, but it really drives me nuts to be alone at home all the time with no meaningful, adult conversation. I feel worthless and forgotten.  Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling that way, because I know they are a blessing from above, but how do I make the pain go away?

    I hate thinking I have to sit here and wonder until the 4th and maybe longer, but I suppose I don't have a choice...

Monday, 17 August 2009

  • Not Good

    Today's appointment didn't go so well. My HCG levels didn't go down at all, but they also didn't go up, so my doctor said that's good, but he also said that if they don't go down next week we're going to have to start discussing "treatment".  Call me selfish, but all I could think of when he said that was "I don't want to lose my hair!". Hopefully, next week will bring better news.

    I did gather the courage to ask for antidepressants. I had wanted to before, but I was too ashamed and embarrassed to ask. Joe convinced me to ask and I'm going to give them a try, maybe they'll help a bit.

    I intend to enjoy this evening to the fullest. We're having a little thing for Julian at Chuck E Cheese's with family and a couple of friends. It's the first year he's truly aware that it's his birthday celebration and he's been pestering me about it for weeks. "Mommy is it my birthday-to-yous yet?" every day, 15 times a day......I want him to enjoy it!

    I hope eveyone is having a good Monday.

  • Visit AnGeLmArYy21's Xanga Site
    • Name: Meh-ree-ANNE-uh
    • Country: United States
    • State: California
    • Birthday: 2/21/1985
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/7/2005

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  • z_z_zzyzx
    Killroy was here.
  • The_Female_Essence
    chat bored. hahahah!howz it hanging, mary?

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About Me

  • I'm a 24 year old mother of two young boys born 13 months apart, I'm going through the legalization process in the USA and I just found I out I may have a rare and agressive, yet highly treatable type of cancer and might need chemotherapy soon...that's my exciting life...come read about it.